The Coward

I heard it my whole life. That if I was a man how different life would be. I’d be admired and told it was okay to be assertive and to be a dick just meant your important only to understand how they make a woman think her life is only ever meant to be subjected to kneel before a king but I’d rather cut his throat and watch him bleed.

I heard it my whole life. That if I was man how different life would be. Treated like the golden child- no wrong he could do no matter how many times he failed or made mistakes but the same errors as a woman- well it just proved the position of which woman where to retain in stances of knowing your complacent seating.

I heard it all my life. How different life would be if I was a man. How much stronger they are until it came to rape or sexual violence and the excuses and justification to abuse someone already deemed weaker. How he could prey on children while trying to hide who he really is. Doesn’t that just make him the coward?

Believed

The conclusions in deception

Lead to the light.

Toxic was text book.

Preacher with no soul.

Non-traditional connection-

She kept praying God would save

A man capable of raping a child

But what do you believe would be done;

A father of justice and truth.

Do you believe he would close his eyes

To self severing male gratification?

I thought you believed God was about love?

Love doesn’t hurt. It is supposed to be trusting.

Watching- you broke bread with a pedophile

With no remorse of what he did;

Just kept going back to laws no longer governing. Excuses for his behavior.

Oppressing our stories and telling us we deserve to be punished for man’s sin.

I thought that is what Jesus did?

To save a soul so you can rape?

Seems only ever so contradictory

To what you said you believed my whole life.

Child Endangerment

Who slapped me and called me a liar Aunt Mary? 

Don’t you think you deserve to be behind bars?

Endangering minors and covering up your husband’s

Attraction to children. Was it easy? Comparing yourself?

Calling them names and manipulating your brothers and sisters? 

 

Who kept defending your sister Mother?

Played the same game in continuing abuse?

Was it easy to convenience everybody?

What a spoiled brat I was? Not all that smart. Just rebelling?

Never once did you stand up for me and I often 

Think it is because you knew too.

You didn’t care about your child; only what people would think.

Isn’t that not true? Family loyalty even in betrayal.

 

You said a child asked for it. A victim who did not know me.

She never knew he did it before. You blamed her because of her color.

Was it your own conditioning that lead you so off course

While claiming your religious high horse?

Did you leave the abuse? Did you stand up for what was right?

Yet you claim to know Jesus. Hide behind Bible verses

Whiling claiming that it saved you; yet who is looking out for the children?

Trigging Flashbacks

It still bothers me to this day. No matter how many times I have told myself it did not matter. I asked myself over and over why no one cared? Why did they not want to protect me? Even if as a child they didn’t know what had happened, why when I tried to speak did they continue to try to silence me? I get triggered. Why didn’t anyone seem to care that I was abused? That it was sick and wrong and that it should have never happened to me- let alone any child. The insecurities and internalization of abuse. I thought I was ugly or worse- like God hated me. Why would God put me in a place where I was surrounded by people trying to redeem a pedophile? Why was I chosen for this burden? Why wasn’t I believed? Like they didn’t take the allegations serious. Like it was no big deal to rape a child. Like that child doesn’t grow into an adult. A women they paint as a whore even if raped or assault and God forbid it happened more than once. They repeat ignorant phases and continue rape culture ideologies because we seem to live in a world in which we are expected to cater to self serving male gratification over children and women mental health issues associated with sexual assault. This isn’t normal. I know this. The reaction isn’t normal. Accepting this isn’t normal. I asked this over and over what the hell I did to deserve being abused. I heard it time and time again. I have been blamed for what he did my whole life even those who didn’t know the details nor ever cared enough to ask. They held family meetings in which I was excluded from. Instead they tried to punish and excommunicate me; treated me like a freak because of abuse that was imposed on me. Treated like shit or “damaged goods.” Too emotional and hard to love. They tried to paint me out as crazy. They watched me cry and with a smile told me I would be disowned for speaking out. I asked myself over and over, why did my life not matter? Why was there no support? Why did my life not matter? Yet it was not only just me. They do not care about rape victims. I didn’t want to believe it. That the world we lived in was that cold. That broken and dysfunctional. May be that was why it was so easy to stay silent because part of me knew no one would give a shit. Speaking and having the harsh reality thrown in my face only made it that much more raw. The abuse that much more real and belief that I was not loved, that I was not cared about, and that my life didn’t matter all the more blatantly clear. I start to get triggered and go through the whole wave of emotions all over again. Why was it okay for someone to rape me? Trapped by my own PTSD- it’s hard to ever feel safe because I know if I am hurt there is no one to go too. They act like sexual assault is a one-time occurrence- only I know the truth of the reality. What the statistics say. I start to get angry because I start to feel helpless and it’s not just because of the system but the men and women who conditioned to accept and tolerate such behaviors only to draw conclusions that no one cared that he raped a child. It repeats and hits in flashbacks and it’s hard to feel safe. It is hard to trust because it is hard not to believe all men rape while their wives stand by them claiming some righteous high horse while regurgitating Bible verses about how she is saved. I get sick just thinking about how many cover ups; how many children she listened to say the same thing only to help her husband cover it up. I don’t know how much she knew. It is hard to say but her lack of empathy. Her lack of remorse and continued support only leaves one conclusion.

Train Wreck

It is just a train wreck- 

The broken triggering wounds

Just headed for a quick crash

Holding onto something 

That is already starting on fire.

Flames turning love into charcoal-

Lyrics to just a sad song; 

Waiting to jump because you know its not safe-

Chasing adrenaline only to realize 

Your just wasting time-

Yet for a moment it felt like love 

And so deprived you want to believe it;

That you met your person. 

Ride or die- you knew it for life.

So leaping in faith to hit solid ground

Finding wings instead- 

Soring high only to leave behind the wreckage.